Zorhan’s stunning victory was predicated on his ability to directly address the needs of New Yorkers of every stripe and ethnicity. But there is one swath of Gothamites whose needs he has yet to speak to: Kvetchers and Complainers. That amorphous blob of our fellow citizens engaged in the Big Apple’s number 1 pastime — the “airing of grievances”. Here is a program Mamdani can offer them.
Unfreeze the Happy Hours. All-day happy hours at all bars and restaurants.
Freeze the wait lines. Self-checkout, bathroom, and
party lines shall be limited to a single city block. Bar queues at art openings and nightclubs must follow red light/green light Squid Game rules. Crumbl Cookies and the Rockaway Rocket must pay reparations to members of the ADHD community traumatized by waiting.Freeze the Readings. No more than three alt lit readings per night. No readers permitted longer than 2 minutes of mic time — unless it’s autofiction, in which case 1 minute. Readers may drop the names of one French philosopher or three audience members they have slept with — but not both.
Subway stabilization. A dedicated Homeless Car on all trains allowing unhoused commuters to enjoy their lifestyle without upsetting the delicate olfactory sensibility of normie riders.
Redistribute the Clout. Algorithmic inequality is shattering the social fabric. Influencers and niche celebrities1 with an astronomical ratio of followers to following must give away at least 20% of their followers in a lottery until parasocial parity is achieved. (This includes substack!)
Freeze Cloutmaxxing No more than 5 hosts on any Instagram party meme — each of whom must actually attend the party.
may only appear on one such invite per week.Senior Shopping Hours. Early-bird shopping set aside for slow-moving seniors with large shopping carts, walkers, canes and a preference for cash transactions requiring lots of change. Pilot program on the Upper West Side.2
Freeze Burger Expansionism. No hamburger needs more than cheese, bacon and the classic condiments. Restaurants adding truffles, duck fat, pork bellies and/or caviar will be shut down by the mental health department.
Unfreeze the Medallions. Make Hailing a Cab Great Again!
Jail the Crookies. Down with baked good mashups! Only one cronut/croffle craze permitted per summer. Freeze the bagel at the five major food groups — Plain, Poppy, Sesame, Everything and With a Schmear. Banish the whole-wheat flagel.
Unpickle the Balls. Pickle ball volleys sound like gunshots. Ask the mob to provide silencers.
Trendy Parties for Ugly People. Alt scenes used to be for misfits and weirdos to vent their rage at the Beautiful People. Now the alt scene is for Beautiful People to pose as misfits and weirdos for Instagram photos. Party paparazzi must maintain a ratio of 1 in 5 unstylish oafs to every gilded Zillennial hottie in their work.
The Gentrified’s Right of Return. From East River to Coney, Brooklyn shall be gentry (and matcha latte) free.
aka “nimcels“
Full disclosure: the author of this piece is over 65 and lives on the Upper West Side.
The second to last one especially